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| 艺术家 ARTIST 2016 | Date ：2017-01-07 | From ：iamlimu.org |
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2012年1月30日，星期一 晴转阴
早上醒来，应该是天刚放亮的时候，窗外是鸟儿的鸣叫声。再次醒来，我被手机闹铃声音唤醒，窗外不闻鸟鸣，只听见车流的轰鸣声。继续睡去，做梦。醒来，早上十点钟了。我就这样躺在被窝里，思维活跃起来，开始想很多东西，没有目的和方向，就像不去控制汽车的方向盘一样，开到哪儿都无所谓。
丹尼尔·布伦的条纹，安迪·沃霍尔的美元和可口可乐，达明·赫斯特的圆点，河原温的日期，伊夫·克莱因的蓝……。这些大师们的所作所为是那么简单，他们把简单推往尽可能的极致。这些东西似乎来的那么容易，却让我们不费吹灰之力就记住了。
现代社会的整个环境都是吵闹的，沉默寡言者从来都是少数。
看来，我应该保持这样闲适的状态，身体在忙碌的时候，思维就不活跃了。艺术家都应该无所事事才能有所创造。最闲适的时候，也是最放松的时候，也是最有创造力的时候。
30th January, 2012 Monday (Sunny to Cloudy)
I woke up, probably, at daybreak. Outside the window, birds chirped. I woke up
again because of the alarm clock. There were no birds chirping but cars roaring. I went
to sleep again with my dreams. I woke up again and it was 10:00 AM. I just stayed on
my bed and allowed my mind to wander. I began to think without aim, which is like a
car with no one controlling it. It doesn’t matter where your mind goes.
The stripes of Daniel Buren, dollars and cola of Andy Warhol, dots of Damien
Hirst, dates of Kawara On, and the blue of Yves Klein. The creation and works of those
masters is so simple, they make simplicity perfect. It seems that their works are
created so effortlessly, but this does not diminish the fact that we remember them
effortlessly.
Nowadays, the whole society is noisy. Rarely are people reticent.
I should keep myself away from tight schedules, when I am busy my mind is not
active. Artists should lead a leisurely life, or they can make nothing. When you are
relaxed, you become the most creative.
2012年2月14日，星期二
今天情人节，我在上海到纽约的飞机上。
飞机上的噪音很大，像是处在一个有蒸汽机的工厂里，夹杂着孩子的哭闹声。
昨天，拉布寺的僧人和尼玛仁青来上海。我看到那个比我年长一点的僧人满脸的仁慈和祥和，我想起我岳母那满脸乌云般的愁容，刹那间我觉得岳母好可怜啊！有一颗宽容和善良的心对一个人来说是最大的财富，胜过金山银山。他们送了我甘露丸和金刚绳，尼玛给我带了一包人参果。金钢绳和人参果我托芳芳带给岳母，希望她能快乐。甘露丸是由活佛的粪便和污秽之物做成，我放在盒子里，不敢吃。我敬畏它但不完全相信它的力量。
东方航空真是吝啬，食物少的可怜，整个旅程是个减肥的过程。很多乘客自带了方便面、饼干作为补充。长相并不好看的乘务员的脸就像早上的三明治一样，冰冷。
14th February, 2012,Tuesday
Today is Valentine’s day. I am on a plane from Shanghai to New York.
It is so noisy on the plane. It is like you are in a factory that is all steam engines
and crying babies.
Yesterday, the monks of the Labu Monastery and Nima came to Shanghai. I
noticed that the monk, who is a little older than me, was so mild and calm. This monk’s
disposition is such a contrast to my mother-in-law who was so pathetic because she
was often anxious. A kind and tolerant heart is the biggest fortune for us. Those
monks gave me nectar pills and diamond wire. Nima brought me a pack of ginseng
fruit. I asked Fangfang to give the ginseng fruit and diamond wire to my mother-in-law
in hopes that she can be happy. Nectar pills are made of Living Buddha’s feces. I put
them in a box, I dare not eat them. I am in awe of the pills, but I do not completely
believe in their power.
The China Eastern Airlines is so stingy and there is nothing to speak of the food.
During this journey I will lose weight. Many passengers bring instant noodles and
biscuits in case that they are hungry. The face of attendant is just like a sandwich in
the morning, quite and cold.
2012年4月11日，星期三 晴
4月8号晚上10点的时候，陈张莉打电话给我说：谢德庆答应明天晚上9：30在我家和你见面，不管你有什么事情都要推掉，这个机会很难得。
谢德庆比我想像中要年轻很多，尽管他是六十多岁的人。他很健康，从面容上看得出他生活的很好，很快乐。他很随和，让我直接称呼他“谢德庆”，我还是坚持叫他“谢老师”。毕竟，他是我尊敬的人，也是我的前辈。陪他一起来的有他妻子李芹芹和他弟弟谢德馨。李芹芹是重庆人，他是我一个朋友的大学同学，并且和我同岁，所以我看到他们觉得很亲切。
写道这儿，我不知道该怎么往下写，其实我犹豫了几天了，都不知道该怎么来谈这次会面。怎么形容？似乎通过和他的谈话，不，通过他的人，我对我以往的创作方向产生了怀疑。经过这几年的思考和学习，我以为我离艺术更近了，也离自己更近了。可是站到一边来看，我走在一条安全的路上，安全的路是一条毫无建树的路。
我突然意识到，在我和我的艺术之间，有一堵厚厚的墙。我之前的所作所为，都在墙外，因为我的作品，那只是现实。我想，接下来我会用我全部的力气，去撞这堵墙，哪怕头破血流。机巧不可取，因为大多数人都是机巧的。关于艺术系统，只要我的心里没有它，它就不存在，我就不会受它的左右和控制。
对于我，做艺术的问题不再是选择什么形式，而是选择活着的方式。
11th April, 2012, Wednesday (Sunny)
At 10:00 PM on April 8th, Jenny Chen called and said: “Tehching Hsieh has
agreed to meet with you at 9:30 PM tomorrow at my home. This is a special
opportunity and you must come.”
Though he is over 60, Tehching Hsieh is much younger than I thought. He is
healthy and you can tell that he leads a good life from the expression on his face. He is
easy-going and he allowed me to call him by his name; but, I still called him Mr. Hsieh.
After all, he is my predecessor and someone I admire and respect. His wife, Li Qinqin
and his brother, Xie Dexin accompanied him. His wife was born in Chongqin, a big city
in southwest China. She is the college classmate of my friend and our age is similar.
Thus, I think they are gracious.
Right now, I do not know how to continue. In fact, I hesitated to journal about this
meeting for some days. How to describe it? It seems that from his talk he himself
makes me question my art and creation. After studying for several years, I thought I
was closer to art and myself. However, now I see that I walk on a safe path where there
is no achievements for me to make.
Suddenly, I realize that there is a pretty thick wall between art and I. What I did
was outside the wall. My works only represent the reality. I think, next, I will use all my
strength to knock over the wall even if I suffer a heavy blow to my head. Adopting
speculative methods is not healthy but most of people adopt them. As for the art
system, if I don’t put it on my heart, then it doesn’t exist. I am not under its control.
For me, regarding art, it is not only about choosing correct forms, it is a way of
life.
2012年4月16日，星期一 晴
昨天在PS1看到一个黑人艺术家的作品，他在表演的现场即兴选择观众并试着去亲吻这名观众。有趣的是观众复杂的情绪和反应，有的很配合地和他接吻，有的半推半就，有的用表情拒绝。每当他走到一个人的面前并停下来的时候，那个人是紧张的。也许他在你面前站一会儿就离开了，也许他会直接上来吻你。
今天想到邮局邮寄东西，就在网上找到离我住址不是很远的一家邮局。骑车到达地方的时候，看到了悬挂的牌子“Post Office”,一个年轻人在擦玻璃，我问他这是邮局吗？他说这是个叫“Post Office”的酒吧。晕！
16th April, 2012, Monday (Sunny)
I saw a work of an African-American artist at PS1 yesterday. He chose someone
from the audience at random and tried to kiss him or her at the site of the
performance. Interestingly, the reaction of the audience was diverse and complex.
Some allowed the kiss, some refused with their expressions, and some yet were willy-
nilly. When he was in front of someone and stopped, that person was nervous. Maybe
he just stood there and waited for a while and then left or maybe he would just kiss the
individual.
Today I wanted to mail something at the post office, I used the internet and found
one that was not far away from my home. When I got there, I saw a sign with “Post
Office” on it hanging there and a young man cleaning the glass. I asked him: “Is it a
post office?” He said that it was a pub called “Post Office.” Oh, No!
2013年4月1日，星期一 晴
昨夜梦：比利安娜请我吃饭，餐厅在上海外滩的一个顶楼上。进入餐厅的通道是一个狭窄管道，我要从管道里吃力地钻进去。我很费劲地穿过管道，比利安娜正坐在里面等我。
我说，餐厅不错，就是入口不好，不合理。
管道是餐厅唯一的进出口。
1st April, 2013, Monday (Sunny)
I had a dream last night. Biljana Ciric invited me to dinner in a dining room that
was located on the top floor overlooking the Shanghai Bund. The passage to that
dining room was a pipeline and it was so narrow that I need to use great effort to
progress. When I reached the dining room, Biljana Ciric was waiting for me.
“This dining room was great but the entrance was not good.” I said.
That pipeline is the only entrance and exit.
2013年11月23日，星期六 雨
下雨了!
仇庄的道路重新变的泥泞起来。两天的大雨过后，天气将进入新一轮的严寒。
因为这些艺术作品，村庄变得丰富起来，鲜亮的色彩给这个灰色的村庄增添了温暖和活力。
一大早，我还躺在被窝里，母亲坐在我床边，有些责怪地说：“你一直拖着不要小孩，拖到现在还没有小孩，我每天都睡不着觉，只是为你担心。”我能说什么呢？我知道，无论我说什么都安慰不了她。
父亲不顾他的心肌梗塞， 不听医生的劝告，抽烟越来越多，每顿饭都吃的很饱。我说什么都无济于事。看来，每个人都有每个人的命，不管发生什么，只好各自承担了。显然，他不了解我的艺术，他说他看不到我的工作价值，不断地说等到了春节就把图书馆关闭吧，下年不要再开了。
我回家创作，家人给了我便利和帮助，同时也是我最大的障碍和干扰。
窗外，雨声淅淅沥沥。
23rd November, 2013, Saturday (Rainy)
It’s raining.
The road is getting muddy again. It’s been raining for two days, and after that it
will be even chillier than before.
The village looks more vivid due to the presence of these artworks. Bright colors
imbue the grayish village with warmth and vitality.
My mom sat by my bed early this morning when I was still sleeping. She said, with
a sense of blame, “You always postponed having a baby and you’re still childless.
Every evening I find it hard to get to sleep because I worry for you.” What could I say? I
know nothing I say can sooth her.
Regardless of the fact that he suffers from myocardial infarction and against the
doctor’s advice, my father smokes more and more and fills his stomach so full at each
meal. Nothing I say influences him. Everyone has his own fate and whatever happens,
we can only face it. Apparently, he doesn’t understand my art and he said he can’t see
the value of my work. He constantly suggests that I close down the library during the
Chinese New Year and not open it again.
I came back home to carry on with my artistic practice. My family gave me great
help and support, and in the meantime, they also became a great interference in a way.
Outside, it is still raining.
2014年1月5日，星期天 阴
我完成了那些水彩画，回到了仇庄。
看到父母，似乎没有什么可说的话，大家只是吃饭、看电视、收拾。这儿就是这样，父母从来不教我们怎么表达自己的感情，也不鼓励我们表达自己的感情。大多时候，就是默默的做事情。爱就隐藏在行动里，乍一看，你会觉得彼此都很冷漠。
昨夜看《傅雷家书》，边看着，边读给芳听。读着读着，我不能自已，竟然哭了起来。停下来，擦着眼泪，我哽咽着说：真是不好意思。芳说：我之所以爱你，就是因为你有一颗柔软的心。
查尔斯想把11幅水彩画全部买下来，作为Van Abbe美术馆的收藏。这些画一共16000美元。
在寒冷的地方，人就容易懒惰。条件越是艰苦，越是需要人的意志力，也培养人的意志力。
黑夜，一片漆黑，黑的伸手不见五指。
5th January, 2014 Sunday Overcast
I completed the watercolors and came back to Qiuzhuang.
My parents and I don’t talk a lot. We just have our meals, watch some TV and do
some tidying up. Life is always like this in this place. Parents never teach their children
how to express their feelings. Neither do they encourage us to do so. Most of the time
we just do things quietly and keep our love for each other to ourselves. At first sight,
you’d think we are indifferent to each other.
Last night I read Fu Lei’s Family Letters. I read it out loud to Fang. And gradually I
felt I couldn’t help from crying. I couldn’t continue to read, choking with sobs. I told
her I was sorry. Fang said: “That’s what I love about you. You have a gentle heart.”
Charles Esche wanted to buy all the 11 watercolors for the collection of the Van
Abbemuseum. The total price was USD16,000.
People easily become lazy in places that are cold. The harsher it is, the more
patience and determination are required, and the more patience and determination can
be forged.
In the evening, it is dark all around, so dark that I can no longer see my fingers.
2014年11月23日，星期天 晴
展览开幕了，站在我的作品边上，观看着观众——这种时候，我已经不愿意再对我的作品多看一眼了，因为我对它的每个细节都太熟悉了，我看见的只是观众。不时有观众发现了我，就会转过身对我说，Congratulations! 然后报以礼貌的赞美之词，或者提出一些简单的问题。
这时候，我会感到很不自然，我不知道该说什么，不知道该做什么。我拿出相机拍几张照片，以掩饰自己的不知所措。然后，我就离开了自己的作品，去看看其他艺术家的作品了，再也没有回来。
美术馆的餐厅里举行着酒会，我喝了两杯葡萄酒。人越来越多，声音越来越吵。我感觉不到自身的重量，只是觉得自己漂浮着。似乎，我一刻也不能忍受这里的人声和噪音。我对陈明说：我们出去吧！换个安静的地方。
于是，我们离开了酒会，出了美术馆。我长吸了一口空气，一切都安静下来了，似乎从梦中醒来。我没有再回到美术馆，我放弃了参加晚宴和之后的派对。
23rd November, 2014, Sunday (Sunny)
The exhibition was opened, I stood beside my works and watched the audience. In
such occasion, I was not willing to give my work a second glance because I was quite
familiar with each detail. I only watched the audience. Sometimes, they found me and
then turned around and said congratulations to me or posed some simple questions.
At such a moment, I felt uncomfortable because I did not know what I should say
and do. I just took several photos with my camera to hide my perplexity. Then, I went
to see the works of other artists and I did not come back.
There was a reception in the art museum and I drank two glasses of wine. There
were more and more people coming and they were noisy.
I could not feel myself and I thought I floated on the air. It seemed that I could not
bear the people and the noise here for just one second. I said to Chen Ming: “Let’s go
outside. Go somewhere quiet.”
So, we left the reception. I took a deep breath. Everything was quiet, no longer
noisy.
I did not go back to the art museum and I did not attend the dinner and the
subsequent party.
2015年1月6日， 星期二 阴
我的朋友陈伯涛在医院里躺了2个多月后，离开了这个世界。
我从小区采了两次腊梅插在瓶子里，放在他的床头，阵阵幽香弥漫在病房里。
我参加了他的告别仪式，看着他戴着鸭舌帽的遗容，我居然有些害怕了。面对奄奄一息的他，我握着他的手，亲切极了；面对没有了生命的躯体时，我没有悲伤，只是害怕。
他安葬在同里的九棵松墓区，他一定也不喜欢那儿，因为那里一片荒凉，除了墓碑还是墓碑。
他太太说，他离开这个世界的时候，眼睛看着床头柜上的腊梅。
“要睡觉了，晚安！”我对自己说。
6th January, 2015, Tuesday (Cloudy)
My friend, Chen Botao, lied in the hospital’s bed for two months and passed away.
I picked wintersweet twice from the area I live in and put them into a glass at his
bedside. The aroma filled the room.
I took part in his mourning and watched his remains with a peaked cap on his
head. I was sort of frightened. When I held him struggling to breath by the hand, I felt
that he was so close to me. However, faced with his remains, I don’t feel sad, only
frightened.
He was buried in the cemetery of Tongli. He must dislike it there. That place is so
desolate. And, there is nothing but tombstone after tombstone.
His wife said, he was watching the wintersweet on the bedside table when he left
us.
“It’s time go to bed, good night!” I said to myself.
2015年9月18日，星期五 晴
艾伦·茨威格从纽约来了阿姆斯特丹放映她的纪录片，可是她抽不出时间来埃因霍温参加我明天的开幕式。我决定前往阿姆斯特丹去看她，顺便把刚印出来的书送给她。
这简直是我黑色的一天！在阿姆斯特丹的街头，在我和艾伦并肩走路的时候，有人从背后偷走了我的钱包。钱包里有我所有的钱、信用卡和证件，所幸的是我的护照没有放在钱包里。我整个人笼罩在被偷后的沮丧情绪里，就不能安心享受和艾伦在一起的时光和谈话。
艾伦给了我50欧元，我乘火车回到了埃因霍温。当我回到Van Abbe美术馆的时候，我感觉回到了温暖的家。下班后的克里斯提娜和查尔斯赶回来，在美术馆对面的酒吧里请我吃了晚饭，我觉得他们就是我的家人。
现在，我身无分文了！
大城市里，有很多坏人。我必须要时刻警惕，要学会保护自己。
今天在回来的火车上，在我的心情沮丧的时候，我看到窗外有一道彩虹。
18th September, 2015, Friday (Sunny)
Ellen Zweig went to Amsterdam for her documentary’s screening. However, she
could not take off time to attend my opening in Eindhoven. So I came to see her and
gave her my new book.
This was a dark day for me. On the streets of Amsterdam, Ellen and I walked side
by side. Someone stole my wallet from behind and everything in my wallet was lost,
money, credit cards, and credentials. Luckily, I did not put my passport in the wallet.
After my wallet was stolen, I was in great frustration and I couldn’t enjoy the time with
Ellen or our conversation.
Ellen gave me 50 euros and I came back to Amsterdam. When I arrived back at
the Van Abbemuseum, I felt the warmth of a home. Christina and Charles got back in a
hurry when they were off-duty. In a bar that is opposite to the art museum, they invited
me to dinner and I felt that they were my family members.
Now, I am penniless.
There are lot of bad guys in a big city. I must keep myself on guard and learn to
protect myself.
Today, on my way home, I saw a rainbow out of the train’s window when I was
feeling sad.
2015年10月7日 星期三 阴
昨天下午我去犹太博物馆看卡普尔的展览，费了千辛万苦才找到地方。我依着路上的指示牌前行，快到目的地的时候，指示牌就没有了。问了好几个人，最后一个犹太人告诉我确切的地方。我找到了博物馆，却被告知今天是犹太人的节日（西赫托拉节），博物馆不开门。
这真有意思，就像你怀着满腔热情去到一个地方看望朋友，到了那里却发现朋友不在家，只好再原路返回。这样我所拥有的就只有旅途了。
我决定步行回来，大约7公里的路程。
在莫斯科，我不去红场。
7th October, 2015, Wednesday (Cloudy)
Yesterday afternoon, I was hoping to go to the exhibition of Anish Kapoor in a
Jewish museum and I finally found where it was after a great effort. First, I followed the
road signs. Then, when I was almost there, there were no more signs. So, I asked three
people how to find the way. The last person told me the address. However, I was told
that the museum was closed because yesterday was Simchat Torah, a celebration day
for the Jews.
This is an interesting situation. It seems like when you visit an old friend with
enthusiasm, it turns out that he or she is not at home and you have to go back. Thus,
what I enjoy is only the travel itself.
I decided to go back on foot and it was about 7 kilometers.
When I was in Moscow, I did not go to the Red Square.
2016年11月21日，星期一 雨
上午，我带慢儿到附近的一个露天儿童乐园，他玩滑梯，我在一边阅读《培根访谈录》。下午，慢儿趴在我的肩上睡着了。我轻轻地把他放在床上。这一次，他睡了两个小时，直到张芳从家里回来。
我们去咖啡店，我忍住没有喝咖啡，只喝了一杯清水。
不喝咖啡不但对我的胃好，还可以省下不少钱。近来我的经济状况很不好，几乎捉襟见肘。我曾经经历过很长时间的贫穷，我不害怕贫穷。可现在和以前不一样了，以前没钱可以不花钱，现在有了孩子，花钱是无法避免的。
晚上和那颖禹喝了一些啤酒。
21st November, 2016, Monday (Rainy)
I took Man’er to the outdoor children’s playground. He played on a slide and I
read Interviews with Francis Bacon in the morning.
In the afternoon, Man’er rested on my shoulder and fell asleep. Then, I put him on
the bed gently. He slept for two hours and did not wake up until Zhang Fang came
back.
We went to the coffee shop. I refrained from drinking a cup of coffee and just
drank a glass of water. It is good for my health and saves money if I do not drink
coffee. Recently, I am quite financially embarrassed. I used to be underprivileged for a
long time, so I am not afraid of this. However the situation is different now, I have a
child. Before I would just choose to not spend money. Now, spending money is
unavoidable.
In the evening, I drank some beer with Na Yingyu.
英文校读：苏平
Proofreader: Nathan Pelton
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